Drip, drip, drop, little April Showers.

So it turns out that last week's blog topic kinda freaked out a few people.

I figured that this week I should pick a topic that's more "mature" and "reader friendly."

Pee.

It's 3:30am on Monday morning right now, and I am slightly delusional, so I'm kind of doing a word association thing.

What does the word "pee" trigger in my brain?

The worst I've ever had to hold it in comes to mind.

I know the year was 2002, because I had just dropped out of college and moved back home about 6 months earlier, and getting drunk was my general goal. And I sincerely felt a sense of accomplishment when achieving that goal.

Joe Wintor (Real last name is, Winter, but changed for anonymity) and I had the day off, and were planning on taking the train down to the loop for Bluesfest.

It was an insanely hot day, and we sat on the couch in my parent's garage and played a long game of quarters.
(bounce quarters into a cup of beer, and when you make it and the other person misses, they drink the delicious, metallic flavored beer)
(most readers of this blog are ambitious drinkers and did not need an explanation of what "quarters" meant)

I drank at least 6 beers, and probably took a precautionary pee before leaving for the train, but it didn't matter, there was at least 60 oz. of fluid headed for my bladder. By the way, I just looked up how much an average bladder can hold and it's around 600ml. I'll be damned if I'm gonna convert millileters to ounces at this hour.

We got on the train, and it was packed. I vividly remember sitting next to a father and his 4 year old son. (age estimation)

I was also really drunk. I drank those 6 beers in under an hour.

At first I was all good, and had a big drunken grin on my face, just lookin out the window.

Then, "Damn, I wish I could take a piss right now."

Then, "Aw shit, I really wish I could take a piss right now."

Then a few minutes later, "Godfuckingdamnit, I need to take a piss right now."

Then a few stops later, "Oh my god, this is unreal."

Then, "Holy Jesus, this is unreal, dear God, No this can't be real."

Then it's just getting beyond words. Like death is approaching. And yes, holding in pee can kill you.

The reason i know that this was the worst I've ever had to pee is because I tried to pee.

Sitting right there, next to that father and son straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting, I was trying to pee my pants.

You do not think clearly when you're drunk and your bladder is about to explode. I remember thinking that my shirt was pretty baggy, so that would hang over my shorts, and I wasn't going to let all the pee out, but just enough so that I wouldn't die.

I cannot describe to you the true agony of finally telling yourself, "Ok, I'm giving myself permission to do this. I am going to let myself pee my pants on this crowded train" and then sitting there legitimately trying to get the stream started, but just straight up not being able to get it going.

After that plan failed, I waited until the next train stop, and then made the mistake of trying to quickly stand up to run to the nearest urinal. When I stood up, it felt like my legs were just long extentions of my bladder. I wish there had been a video of that walk from the train to the urinal. The train stop was just at a platform, so there were no bathrooms. I had to walk down the street to a Mexican restaurant.

I also wish I had an audio recording of that urination. I swear to God it was 60 seconds long. There were many reprises too.

Drip, drip, drop, little April showers.

After that, the rest of the day felt like I had just returned home from war and my wife and kids were at the airport to greet me.

I cried when I saw how beautiful they were, having seen the pain this world has within it.

(This soldier giving his son a loving handshake proves that men do have a sensitive side)

Another thought on pee is that I truly feel sorry for women for not being able to experience the joy of writing their name in the snow in cursive. Unless of course they are extremely meticulous and are able to walk and pee at the same time.

I also remember as a kid, hanging out with other kids and one of us would go, "Hey, I have to pee" and the other would go, "You know, I guess I do too." Then we'd go pee at the same time in the same toilet. Weird. I also could go hands-free back then. My little guy would just aim right at the toilet. Bullseye.

I think that's just something kids do. I hope I'm not the only one that did that, or else that could be pretty embarrassing. Luckily this is only posted on the world wide internet, and not where a lot of people could see it. It's not like an airplane wrote it out in the sky with it's exhaust fumes.


(Question to myself)

'til next time.