Trumbull's Mumbles

Ok, blog delay. Not my fault.

Comcast screwed up my apartment's connection and we haven't had the internet until now.

I really do not like Comcast.

During the month of April, we did not have internet access for 6 days.

Where's my discount?

If I set up a system with Dominoes Pizza, where I pay a monthly fee to have a pizza delivered everyday, and then they skip 6 days of pizza, I assure you the people at Dominoes would understand my anger, and refund those pizzas.

Probably throw in some crazy bread too.

You hear me, Comcast?

When I make metaphors, I tend to use pizza metaphors. Everyone can relate to them. They're delicious.

I spent yesterday at mom's house, helping her clean out the basement for remodeling.

I found lots of cool stuff.

Notably a folder titled, "Josh's School Papers."

The first page was my evaluation from Kindergarden.

This quote jumped out:

"Josh's gross motor skills seem to be slightly below average for a kindergarden age child. He is not yet skipping or coordinating himself confidently when using a ball."

That is a real quote. No joke, I will show you the paper if necessary.

What was Mrs. Trumbull talking about?

If you wanna know the real motivation behind her slander, it was, you guessed it, jealousy.

In reality, I was light years ahead of my peers when it came to athletic development.

Here is a photo of me at age 5 on the kindergarden playground.

During the mid 1980's in Wilmette, my elementary school looked kind of like Hong Kong.

I don't know why. Ask the PTA.

Look at the other kids admiring my lean muscle mass.

You might be asking yourself, why I looked somewhat Asian as a child?

Simple.

Part of Pro bodybuilding is maintaining a dark tan. It helps the muscle definition stand out.

I also used to squint my eyes when being photographed. Makes me look tougher. Think Clint Eastwood.

You might also be asking youself, what is that hanging from my neck in the photo?

A whistle.

Aside from training dolphins with that whistle, I appointed myself as Drill Sergent of my kindergarden class.

At any given time, I would blow that whistle and demand 30 push-ups, and I'm not talkin' about ice cream push-ups. Although the orange ones were delightful.


Regardless, if there is one common trend I see among small children, it is laziness.

Constant napping. Crying, whining, and asking you to carry them.

The only kind of kids I carry are injured ones.



The laziness is even worse if you look at really young children.

Babies practically do nothing all day.

"Check out my baby. Isn't he great?"

"Yeah, awesome. Look at him just lay there all day, drinkin' milk, and getting awarded for being fat."


(I'd be smilin' too if I were allowed to be 60% bodyfat, yet still get constant offers of boobs.)

Whatever.

I'm not jealous.

I'll leave that up to Mrs. Trumbull.

Not "coordinating myself confidently when using a ball"?


Read 'em and weep, Mrs. T.

'til next time.

Apes of Wrath

To all you loyal readers, I apologize for the one day delay in posting a new blog.

I'll try not to let it happen again.

This week I'd like to talk about:

Evolution

I think it's high time us humans celebrated just how far we've evolved away from those lazy, chain-smoking, gun-toting apes, that "we" once were.




Just how far have we evolved?

Let's just say we're at the point where we now have Ape mocking ceremonies.
Man has become so sophisticated that he can now rub his evolution in the ape's face, by dressing up as an ape and then jumping through a ring of fire to slam dunk a basketball.
"Can you do that little monkey?" "Didn't think so."


Some of you are probably wondering where the word, Evolution, comes from.

Here's the break down:

Evol-u-tion

"Evol" is an alternate spelling of "evil."

The letter "U" in the word, Evolution, is pronounced, "Eeww." "Eeww" means "gross."

"Tion" is pronounced, "Shun." "Shun" means "not allowed."

So to tie it all together, the word, Evolution, means, "Evil grossness is not allowed."

Question: What is "Evil grossness"?

Answer: Being a monkey.

Here's an example of the evility of apes;

What do apes eat?

Bananas

What did Eve convince Adam to take a bite of that resulted in banishment from Eden?

An apple.

Would she not have offered Adam a harmless banana, had not the monkeys eaten them all?

Only God knows.

It's understandable why Creationists throw out the idea that we evolved from apes.

Creationists believe that God created man in his own image, and then created the ape in the image of God's ape. Simple as that.

Sort of like Michael Jackson and Bubbles.

Do these two look like they have anything in common, aside from matching outfits, hairstyles, and repressed terror?


Speaking of repressed terror, do you realize that some day humans will be left behind in the trail of evolution?

We will someday be Bubbles the chimp, or should I say, Bubbles the human. Clinging to the Michael Jackson of the new species.

These future super-humans will deny that they had anything to do with us.

Wait, back to an earlier point;

What if both the Evolutionists AND the Creationists are right?

What if God has been evolving?

Way back when, God created man in his own image, but at that time, God looked like an ugly monkey.

Then over a long while, he has shaped up into the fine looking lad that he is today.



Call me crazy, but I think I just came up with a new theory.

Who's with me?

'Til next time

Drip, drip, drop, little April Showers.

So it turns out that last week's blog topic kinda freaked out a few people.

I figured that this week I should pick a topic that's more "mature" and "reader friendly."

Pee.

It's 3:30am on Monday morning right now, and I am slightly delusional, so I'm kind of doing a word association thing.

What does the word "pee" trigger in my brain?

The worst I've ever had to hold it in comes to mind.

I know the year was 2002, because I had just dropped out of college and moved back home about 6 months earlier, and getting drunk was my general goal. And I sincerely felt a sense of accomplishment when achieving that goal.

Joe Wintor (Real last name is, Winter, but changed for anonymity) and I had the day off, and were planning on taking the train down to the loop for Bluesfest.

It was an insanely hot day, and we sat on the couch in my parent's garage and played a long game of quarters.
(bounce quarters into a cup of beer, and when you make it and the other person misses, they drink the delicious, metallic flavored beer)
(most readers of this blog are ambitious drinkers and did not need an explanation of what "quarters" meant)

I drank at least 6 beers, and probably took a precautionary pee before leaving for the train, but it didn't matter, there was at least 60 oz. of fluid headed for my bladder. By the way, I just looked up how much an average bladder can hold and it's around 600ml. I'll be damned if I'm gonna convert millileters to ounces at this hour.

We got on the train, and it was packed. I vividly remember sitting next to a father and his 4 year old son. (age estimation)

I was also really drunk. I drank those 6 beers in under an hour.

At first I was all good, and had a big drunken grin on my face, just lookin out the window.

Then, "Damn, I wish I could take a piss right now."

Then, "Aw shit, I really wish I could take a piss right now."

Then a few minutes later, "Godfuckingdamnit, I need to take a piss right now."

Then a few stops later, "Oh my god, this is unreal."

Then, "Holy Jesus, this is unreal, dear God, No this can't be real."

Then it's just getting beyond words. Like death is approaching. And yes, holding in pee can kill you.

The reason i know that this was the worst I've ever had to pee is because I tried to pee.

Sitting right there, next to that father and son straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting, I was trying to pee my pants.

You do not think clearly when you're drunk and your bladder is about to explode. I remember thinking that my shirt was pretty baggy, so that would hang over my shorts, and I wasn't going to let all the pee out, but just enough so that I wouldn't die.

I cannot describe to you the true agony of finally telling yourself, "Ok, I'm giving myself permission to do this. I am going to let myself pee my pants on this crowded train" and then sitting there legitimately trying to get the stream started, but just straight up not being able to get it going.

After that plan failed, I waited until the next train stop, and then made the mistake of trying to quickly stand up to run to the nearest urinal. When I stood up, it felt like my legs were just long extentions of my bladder. I wish there had been a video of that walk from the train to the urinal. The train stop was just at a platform, so there were no bathrooms. I had to walk down the street to a Mexican restaurant.

I also wish I had an audio recording of that urination. I swear to God it was 60 seconds long. There were many reprises too.

Drip, drip, drop, little April showers.

After that, the rest of the day felt like I had just returned home from war and my wife and kids were at the airport to greet me.

I cried when I saw how beautiful they were, having seen the pain this world has within it.

(This soldier giving his son a loving handshake proves that men do have a sensitive side)

Another thought on pee is that I truly feel sorry for women for not being able to experience the joy of writing their name in the snow in cursive. Unless of course they are extremely meticulous and are able to walk and pee at the same time.

I also remember as a kid, hanging out with other kids and one of us would go, "Hey, I have to pee" and the other would go, "You know, I guess I do too." Then we'd go pee at the same time in the same toilet. Weird. I also could go hands-free back then. My little guy would just aim right at the toilet. Bullseye.

I think that's just something kids do. I hope I'm not the only one that did that, or else that could be pretty embarrassing. Luckily this is only posted on the world wide internet, and not where a lot of people could see it. It's not like an airplane wrote it out in the sky with it's exhaust fumes.


(Question to myself)

'til next time.

Go With the Flow

"The truth will set you free."

The topics for these blogs shall have no second guessing. No shame.

If it pops in my head, I pops it on the blog. Simple as that.

I am currently sitting at the computer, occasionally gazing out my window on this fine Sunday evening, sipping on a nice, cool glass of water and Metamucil.

A light breeze is coming through the window.

Spring is here.


'Come again?'

'What was that?'

Spring is here.

"No the part about the..?"

Yeah, you heard me.

Metamucil.

Grandpa has been, "running into a traffic jam" while "gettin down to Brown Town," as the kids might say. You can quote me on that. I've already taken the liberty of putting it into quotes for you.

Not to worry though. I've been adding this powdered fiber to my diet for the last two weeks, and this stuff is awesome.

I've had a lot of 'old man thoughts' while drinking it such as, "This stuff is awesome," and "God, this stuff is really awesome."

The new improved orange flavor rocks too. Tang meets Sunny D.

That's the beauty of it. When my roommates ask, "Uh, what is that orange stuff you're drinking all the time?"

I say, "Sunny D," or sometimes, "Tang," and it totally disarms them. It also makes me seem younger because I'm tapped in to what the kids are drinkin' these days. Or at least what they were drinking when I last owned a television. I think it's safe to assume that Sunny D is still going strong. Sunny D snatched up the market of people who love orange flavored drinks, but hate orange juice. Pretty big market.

Ok, back to the original topic.

My morning deposits (poop) at the porcelain bank (toilet) have become as easy as taking batteries (poop) out of a flashlight. (my ass)
(They actually resemble Duracell batteries too)

(Not the square ones)


Q: How do I know what they look like?

A: I look.

There are some people who claim that they do not look back in the pot to see what just came out. These are the same kind of people who do not check to see if a gun is loaded before using it as a party toy, or bother to look at their children's artwork before they throw it away.





Why do we look back there before flushing?

The same reason we look out at the ocean or up at the stars in the sky.

And what reason is that?

Two reasons actually:

1. To make sure there are no aliens in there.

2. To take a look in nature's mirror, and see who you really are.

Virtues. Character.

Sometimes I'll look back there and think,
"Really?" "That's nothing like I thought you'd look." (Tolerance, Acceptance)

Sometimes it's an old friend.
"You again?!" "I haven't seen you since 8th grade graduation!" (Memories, Reunions)

Other times I'll look down and say,
"Goddamnit! Work with me people!" Often aloud in a discouraged voice. (Leadership, Setting standards)

Sometimes I laugh.
"You mean to tell me that's what all the fuss was about?" (Sense of humor, Laughter)

Sometimes I'll cry.
"Not you. I swear you'll take a part of me if you go now. Don't leave. Not yet." (Compassion, Sensitivity)


Hard lessons, but they shaped me.


Think about it.

Where do you think we got the expression, "Get your shit together"?

John Lennon wrote "Come Together" on the toilet. (Why do you think they call it the 'John'?)


Shit happens. So will you.

Dream big.

Live big.


(Marty King, day-dreamer.)


'til next time